If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife’s sins ? By saying I am not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability ro influence her- my nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies.
If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control- myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses . I can focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and support. Hopefully, my wife will feel the power of the proactive example and respond in kind. But whether she does or doesn’t, the most positive way I can influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being.
Pg 89-90
Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem… Don’t argue for other people’s weaknesses. Don’t argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it- immediately. Don’t get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be.
Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It’s not what they’re not doing or should be doing that’s the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is “out there,” stop yourself. That thought is the problem. People who exercise their embryonic freedom day after day will, little by little, expand that freedom.
“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend, love is a verb. Love-the feeling- is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”
Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured. Pg 80
I know this idea is a dramatic paradigm shift for many people. It is so much easier to blame other people, conditioning, or conditions for our own stagnant situation. But we are responsible- “response-able”- to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances by working on be, on what we are.
