what do I really gain by continually confessing my spouse’s sins ?

from Steven Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”:

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If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife’s sins ? By saying I am not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability ro influence her- my nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies.

If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control- myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses . I can focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and support. Hopefully, my wife will feel the power of the proactive example and respond in kind. But whether she does or doesn’t, the most positive way I can influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being.
Pg 89-90

Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem… Don’t argue for other people’s weaknesses. Don’t argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it- immediately. Don’t get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be.

Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It’s not what they’re not doing or should be doing that’s the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is “out there,” stop yourself. That thought is the problem. People who exercise their embryonic freedom day after day will, little by little, expand that freedom.

“But how do you love when you don’t love?” “My friend, love is a verb. Love-the feeling- is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured. Pg 80

I know this idea is a dramatic paradigm shift for many people. It is so much easier to blame other people, conditioning, or conditions for our own stagnant situation. But we are responsible- “response-able”- to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances by working on be, on what we are.

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STOP accusing the brethren!

quoted from Communion With God by Mark & Patti Virkler

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(pg 106-107)I found that I generally forfeited the principles of mercy and faithfulness when dealing with others. I was harsh and severe in my judgment of them, and rather than being faithful and loyal to them, I came against them, more as the accuser of the brethren. Therefore, I assumed a satanic stance, rather than a Holy Spirit stance, that is, I tended to “come against” rather than “coming alongside”…

…it finally dawned on me that the accuser’s stance is satan’s stance (the word “devil” literally means “accuser”) and the comforter’s stance is the Holy Spirit’s stance. Since this revelation, I have made a commitment never to take an accuser’s stance against anyone. No longer will I be the expression of satan. If someone is struggling, hurt, down, or in error, I have one, and only one posture. That is, to come alongside him and comfort him, to be faithful to him, and thus preserve the dignity of all men and the unity of the Body of Christ.

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Sowing and Reaping: Good and Bad Ways of Judging

from Healing Victims of Sexual Abuse by Paula Sandford:

Many scripture references assure us that we will in no way lose our reward for the love and blessings that we sow (Matt 10:41,42; Mark 9:41; Eph 6:8; I Cor. 3:8; I Cor 3:14; Col 3:24; 2 Cor 9:6) . God’s laws were established before sin entered the picture. When man chose to sin, the same laws which had been created for mankind’s blessing continued to operate for negative reaping.

It is not that we are forbidden to judge. Necessarily we make judgments prior to every decision. Here are three examples of good and bad ways of judging:
1. Smoking is damaging to my health- I will ask for a table in the far corner of the non-smoking section.
2. Mrs T repeats everything she hears- I will confess my faults to someone else who has learned to respect and keep confidences.
3. My husband is tired and cross today- I will give him time to rest and get refreshed before I talk to him about Billy’s D in math.

These judgments are quite different from:
1. “What’s the matter with those self-centered inconsiderate so and sos who stink up the whole atmosphere with their stupid pollution?!”
2. “Mrs T’s tongue wags at both ends and in the middle. I wouldn’t tell her the time of day!”
3. “You’d think that a kid’s father would take some interest! All he ever does is come home and flop in front of the boob tube! He’s never here when I need him!”

Making those latter judgments is and almost sure guarantee that Mrs T Motormouth will capture you in the coffee shop after and exhausting day of shopping, and the only available seating will be in the smoking section. Two hours later, when you stagger home debilitated by the gossip and the stench of second-hand smoke, your husband will greet you with, “Where have you been? You look terrible! And why is it you never have dinner ready on time?”

Often we fail to see the relationship between our sowing and reaping…

STOP accusing the brethren!

quoted from Communion With God by Mark & Patti Virkler

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(pg 106-107)

I found that I generally forfeited the principles of mercy and faithfulness when dealing with others. I was harsh and severe in my judgment of them, and rather than being faithful and loyal to them, I came against them, more as the accuser of the brethren. Therefore, I assumed a satanic stance, rather than a Holy Spirit stance, that is, I tended to “come against” rather than “coming alongside”…

…it finally dawned on me that the accuser’s stance is satan’s stance (the word “devil” literally means “accuser”) and the comforter’s stance is the Holy Spirit’s stance. Since this revelation, I have made a commitment never to take an accuser’s stance against anyone. No longer will I be the expression of satan. If someone is struggling, hurt, down, or in error, I have one, and only one posture. That is, to come alongside him and comfort him, to be faithful to him, and thus preserve the dignity of all men and the unity of the Body of Christ.

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