Communication Skills: Worst to Best

From Retrouvaille post session workbook:

quote:
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Use this scale as a guide to see whether or not you are giving your spouse healthy responses that promote good communication. Like anything, “Practice Makes Perfect.”

Worst:
When my spouse says something and I…
…reject or ridicule his/her feelings
…criticize him/her
…question his/her perceptions
…defend myself
…ignore him/her
…share just to meet my own needs
It is hurtful and indicates rejection
My spouse’s feelings might be… I feel hurt

Poor:
When my spouse says something and I…
…ask questions about the facts
…give advice
…ignore his/her feelings
…reassure without identifying his/her feelings
It misses feelings and indicates toleration.
My spouse’s feelings might be… I feel frustrated

Good:
When my spouse says something and I…
…accurately identify his/her main feeling
It acknowledges main obvious feelings and indicates acceptance.
My spouse’s feelings might be… I feel accepted.

Best:
When my spouse says something and I…
…ask questions about the feelings
…mirror back with empathy
…communicate understanding of his/her feelings
…try to understand non-verbals
It goes beyond the obvious to underlying feelings and indicates acceptance.
My spouse’s feelings might be… I feel cared for and want to tell you more.

"When you find yourself in a difficult marriage…"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?

When you find yourself in a difficult marriage, or in a basically good marriage with one particular issue that grates on you, you can be sure that God wants to mature you as you face this problem with strength, courage, dignity, and biblical wisdom. God could of course speak the word and your problem would be solved- voila! But that’s not how God usually works. He allows us to face issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate- he may even walk us through our deepest fears- so that we can grow in him.

The Bible is adamant about this. Spiritual growth takes place by persevering through difficult times

quotes from Rom 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; 1 Pet 1:7

The good news is that you and God are in this together. He knew, even before he created you, who you’d marry. And he will continue to give you the tools you need to become the person he’s called you to be and to do the work he’s created you to do within your current relationship. God would never leave you alone in any situation: “He will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deut 31:6). Even if you married a non-Christian, God’s grace is sufficient for you. You cannot dig a hole so deep that it cuts you off from God’s provision, care, and life-giving strength….

That’s the message I want to communicate: you and God are in this together, and he’s beginning your marriage makeover with you. Let him transform you as you seek to move your husband. While you may never achieve the results you have in mind, you can- without question- change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. It begins with understanding, perhaps for the first time, the glory of being a godly woman and acting with the strength of a godly woman who understands she was created in the image of God, forgiven of her sins through the work of Jesus Christ, and gifted and empowered by God’s Holy Spirit to live the life God has called her to live…

By courageously facing up to the challenges that every marriage faces, and by letting God change you in the process, something wonderful takes place- the formation of a new woman, fully alive to God, who can take the lessons she learns at home and apply them everywhere else.

“We can’t guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it.”

Sacred Influence – "God, not your marital status, defines your life."- #1

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Is that true of you? The more it is, the more success your will have in moving your man, because weak women usually forfeit their influence.

Look at this from a very practical perspective: do you care much about what a person for whom you have little respect thinks of you? Probably not. So then, how is such a person going to influence you? When their opinion doesn’t matter; they may communicate clearly, honestly, and practically- but you’re still not going to listen to them. In the same way, if your husband doesn’t respect you, if you have sinfully put his acceptance of you over your identity as a daughter of God, then how will you ever influence him for the better? (Pg 21)

…if you will do almost anything to gain his acceptance- then you’ve just given to a man what rightfully belongs to God alone.
And that means you’ve turned marriage into idol worship.
When you do that, both you and your husband lose….
In addition, how will you ever find the courage to confront someone whose acceptance so determines your sense of well being that you believe you can’t exist without him? How will you ever take the risk to say what needs to be said if you think your future depends on your husband’s favor toward you? (Pg. 27)

If you truly want to love, motivate, and influence your husband, your first step must be to connect- and to stay connected- with God. Find your refuge, security, comfort, strength, and hope in him. (Pg. 28)

It’s not your pain that motivates him but his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment… in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage, and is an act of commitment, not rebellion (pg. 31)

Once you fully understand your status before God, you need never again live at the mercy of a man’s approval. (Pg. 33)

Sacred Influence – "Taming Husband’s Anger"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas-
Chapter 10 Taming the Temper Part 1: Self Respect as a First Defense against Your Husband’s Anger

As long as a woman blames herself for causing her husband’s temper, she ignores the real problem: she’s the target, not the cause. As long as a woman thinks she causes the anger, she accepts blame for her husband’s problem…. you need to know that it’s impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. But you can remove yourself as the target.

Ray grew up with a very critical alcoholic father who taught him that relationships are built on extremely high expectations. Ray admits, “Sometimes I have little patience, and yes, I can be intolerant of other people’s patterns…”

At first, Jo responded to Ray’s angry tone with defensiveness and guilt, thinking she was most likely in the wrong. But after Jo analyzed several confrontations, she eventually decided Ray wasn’t always right, which led her to react with anger of her own- and that only made things worse…

As I said before, you are most vulnerable to sin when you are sinned against. Your husband’s inappropriate expression of anger does not excuse your inappropriate expression of anger: “He who loves a quarrel loves sin” (Proverbs 17:9). …

Jo… explains, “What I sensed God saying to me was to use communication that was direct and nonattacking and that showed self-respect: ‘This is what I need from you,’ or ‘Would you please communicate in a way that isn’t so frightening?’”… Note the spiritual foundation behind this transformation: Jo allowed God to change her which resulted in her husband’s spiritual growth.

Ray explains, “Before, if I was condescending to her or demeaning or critical, then she would respond very quickly and very angrily back: ‘Don’t talk to me that way! Don’t use that tone of voice when you’re talking to me!” Her face would get tight and tense, and I thought, ‘ Boy she’s really hurting. I’ve touched a deep nerve in there somewhere’ but I didn’t understand why she was making such a big deal out of it.’

In the midst of subsequent blowups, Jo concentrated on being firm but gentle. “I need for you to reword that so I don’t feel so defensive.” … “I care about you very much, and I need you to know that what you said was hurtful”. She dropped the sharp “Don’t talk to me that way!”

According to Ray, Jo’s previous method of communicating “just made me feel guilty. I already knew I had *****ed up, and here she was piling it on… And when you already feel low about yourself… you’re more likely yo strike back and escalate the intensity.”

Ray says that what made him the angriest was being misunderstood. He believes that Jo sometimes just looked at his behavior without giving him the benefit of the doubt. That perplexed and frustrated him which would escalate into anger. In fact, Ray believes, on many occasions he had good intentions, but when Jo assumed the worst, he became frustrated , which in turn made him angry- and then he chose to lash out.

Sacred Influence- "Taming Husband’s Anger"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming… Husband’s Anger

Spiritual Preparation
There’s another principle we can learn from Jo’s experience: in order to confront anger in your man, you’re going to need to put your own spiritual house in order; otherwise you’ll likely lack the strength, courage, and perspective to help your husband…

When you live with an angry man, you not only crave but literally need God’s affirmation. Men can be very cruel with their cutting comments if you aren’t receiving affirmation and affection from your heavenly Father, you’re going to feel emotionally empty and perhaps even worthless- and that will feed into your husband’s response and tempt you to become even more of a doormat…

So if you’re living with an angry man, please accept my encouragement to spend all that much more time in worship, prayer, and Christian community so that you can soak up the love, affirmation, and affection you need for a healthy spiritual life. From such a strong spiritual core, you can face the hurt and frustration in your marriage as Jo did.

Armed with her standing before God, Jo made it clear to Ray that while she wanted to understand his frustration, she would not put up with verbal harassment….

Ray says, “I wanted to recognize her needs. When Jo stood up to me, it told me she valued herself. SO I valued her. It made me understand that Jo is a person with a lot of Character; she cares about herself, and I think every man wants that . I don’t think men want a woman they can just run over…”

This goes back to the point made in the very first chapter; respect is vital in a marriage, and not just for a woman toward her man, but also for a man toward his wife. If your husband doesn’t respect you, you’re going to have a very difficult time influencing him in any significant way. And if you don’t respect yourself, you’ll make it that much more difficult for you husband to respect you…

Angry men sometimes tell me something they rarely tell their wives: they feel ashamed of how they’ve acted; they hate what they’ve become. In most cases when you help a husband tame his temper, you’re helping him to become th kind of man he wants to be.

Sacred Influence- "Helping Him Love You"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming… Husband’s Anger

Helping Him Love You

In her role as an inspirational speaker, Jo has met many women whose husbands have cowed them into an “unhealthy doormat mode”. Sadly, sometimes this posture gets couched in religious language and represents a complete misreading of biblical submission. Jo observes, “Women don’t tell men what they need because we’ve been taught its selfish to even think of ourselves. In fact, some of us aren’t in touch with our own feelings enough to even know what we need…”

This “martyr” method of marriage, though common among well meaning Christian women, shortchanges both husband and wife. Your husband will prosper spiritually and personally by excelling in loving you. God designed marriage, in part, to help both husband and wife grow in character. If you do all the sacrificing, if your husband runs over you, he’s not growing; he’s shrinking, spiritually speaking. He’s becoming lower in character. You may well become a saint after living with such a man for twenty years, but he is going to become increasingly miserable, because ultimately, any man who treats others poorly begins to despise himself. This might sound backward, but you need to love your husband by teaching him how to love you, because its spiritually healthy for him to grow in loving you.

At one time, the thought of telling her husband what she needed would have sounded selfish to Jo, and she would have dismissed the thought. She has since learned that respect matters and that a husband won’t truly love a woman for whom he has no respect. Jo realized that if she didn’t respect herself, her husband would adopt that same attitude of disrespect….

An angry husband often acts as if only his wife needs to change. This is a false view based on a lack of respect.

Sacred Influence- "Taming… Husband’s Anger: Spiritual Lessons"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming… Husband’s Anger

Spiritual Lessons

In addition to changing her verbal presentation with Ray, Jo went through a threefold spiritual process to see who she was in Christ. The biblical way in which God honors women- and the affirming way in which Jesus treated women- contrasted starkly with the subservient description she often heard applied to women in many churches. “When I looked into Scripture and realized who I was in Christ, I started valuing that. God thinks of me as a person of value and I needed to agree with him!” She had learned the truth highlighted earlier: God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Next, Jo applied this same “person of value” approach to Ray: “Not only does God value me as a woman and wife; he values Ray as a man and husband. When Ray spoke to me out of anger, I didn’t value him as God does. I resented him. I feared him. But I didn’t value him. It wasn’t until I stood up to Ray that I could begin to value him….

When a woman truly values a man she stands up to him and says, “You’re better than that. Don’t do this to yourself or us” A faithful sister in Christ challenges her man to grow in grace, mercy, and humility…

It was not God’s best for Ray to let his temper direct his relationships. “Many Christian spouses do not hold each other accountable.” Jo warns…

By holding each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only address issues that have the potential to wreck our families; we also help each other learn how to better relate to people in general. Genuine believers will welcome this process of sanctification.

Sacred Influence- from "Taming the Temper Part 2"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

from Chapter 11- Taming the Temper Part 2: Learning to Navigate through Your Husband’s Anger

If you live with an angry man, this is your “spiritual marathon”. You’re going to be challenged in ways that may terrify you. Women who marry abusive men often had abusive fathers, and they’ve developed a lifelong portrait of themselves as victims. It will go against every learned response in your hurting soul to finally stand up and say you’re not going to take it anymore- but doing so is the pathway to healing, hope, and a healthier marriage.

You may feel terrified, but think with me about a future in which you are supported instead of threatened, in which you feel adored instead of attacked and appreciated instead of insulted. Isn’t it worth the risk for you and your children, to work toward such a marriage?…

Your God is with you, and his people will surround you. Spend some time asking God to bring some helpers into your life before you act; this may be the wisest step you can take. And then more forward from there. If you keep stepping out in faith, you’ll discover just how strong you can become in Christ- and that’s a valuable life lesson. If you persevere in this, you won’t even recognize yourself several years down the road. That timid, fearful, victimized personality will vanish in favor or a strong, wise, bold, and courageous woman of faith.

from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend

Here is an excerpt from Boundaries in Marriage about two different routes marriage can take. Mine is moving from “Harold and Sarah” to “Frank and Julia”Quoted from Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

A Tale of Two Couples…
With Harold and Sarah, I enjoyed a buffet dinner where you get a ticket for various parts of the meal and you have to leave the table with your ticket and go get your item. The dinner was winding down; we were ready for dessert. Harold reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out his dessert ticket. Tossing it in front of Sarah, he said casually, “Sarah, dessert.” Not “Please, Sarah, will you get my dessert for me?” And certainly not “Can I get your dessert, honey?” Harold was assuming Sarah would obediently comply with his two word command.I didn’t know what to say, so I sat there and watched. Sarah was clearly embarrassed by Harold’s public display of control. She sat there for a couple of seconds, apparently deciding what to do. Then she seemed to gather her courage and quietly but forcefully said, “Why don’t you get your own dessert?”Harold looked surprised. Evidently he wasn’t used to her refusing to obey his commands. However, he recovered, made a weak joke about uppity women, and left the table to redeem his ticket. While he was gone, Sarah said to me, “Sorry, I just couldn’t let it go this time with my friends here.” I felt so sad for Sarah, realizing that her reaction to her husband tonight was the exception rather than the rule. I also realized that, on a deeper level, while Harold and Sarah were legally connected, they were emotionally disconnected. Their hearts were not knit together.

Frank and Julia were different. I was traveling and they were hosting me. We went to their home after dinner. After awhile it was time for me to return to my hotel, and I needed a ride. Julia, a counselor like me, was primarily responsible for my trip and had been chauffeuring me to various speaking engagements and meetings. So clearly she was the person to take me back.

However, Frank looked at his wife and said, “You look tired, honey. I’ll take John back to his hotel.” I could see the conflict in Julia’s face between her duty to me and her need for rest. Finally, she said “Okay, thanks.” And Frank drove me to the hotel.

The next day, at the conference, I talked to Julia. I remarked on Frank’s kindness in offering the ride and on her struggle with taking the offer. She said, “It wasn’t always that way. In out twenties, he wouldn’t have offered, and I wouldn’t have taken the offer. But we worked on this issue a lot during those days. I had to put my foot down on some issues, and we almost divorced. It was a difficult period, but it has paid off. We can’t imagine not being each other’s soul mates.” During my time with them, I had observed that Frank’s and Julia’s hearts were knit together, that they were emotionally connected.

Though both couples had many years of marriage experience, each couple’s love and relationship had taken very different turns. Harold and Sarah were unable to love deeply and relate to each other, because Harold controlled Sarah and Sarah allowed him to control her . They had what are called major boundary conflicts, in which one person crosses the lines of responsibility and respect with another. When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom.

from "Boundaries in Marriage" quote #2

from Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

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Yet, love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies: “Perfect love casts out fear” (I John 4:18). And when two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough and becomes self-centered or controlling…Boundaries in Marriage is fundamentally about love. It is about promoting it, growing it, developing it, and repairing it. We want to help you develop love through providing a better environment for it; one of freedom and responsibility. This is where boundaries, or personal property lines, come in. They protect love by protecting individuals.

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