Sacred Influence – "Taming Husband’s Anger"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas-
Chapter 10 Taming the Temper Part 1: Self Respect as a First Defense against Your Husband’s Anger

As long as a woman blames herself for causing her husband’s temper, she ignores the real problem: she’s the target, not the cause. As long as a woman thinks she causes the anger, she accepts blame for her husband’s problem…. you need to know that it’s impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. But you can remove yourself as the target.

Ray grew up with a very critical alcoholic father who taught him that relationships are built on extremely high expectations. Ray admits, “Sometimes I have little patience, and yes, I can be intolerant of other people’s patterns…”

At first, Jo responded to Ray’s angry tone with defensiveness and guilt, thinking she was most likely in the wrong. But after Jo analyzed several confrontations, she eventually decided Ray wasn’t always right, which led her to react with anger of her own- and that only made things worse…

As I said before, you are most vulnerable to sin when you are sinned against. Your husband’s inappropriate expression of anger does not excuse your inappropriate expression of anger: “He who loves a quarrel loves sin” (Proverbs 17:9). …

Jo… explains, “What I sensed God saying to me was to use communication that was direct and nonattacking and that showed self-respect: ‘This is what I need from you,’ or ‘Would you please communicate in a way that isn’t so frightening?’”… Note the spiritual foundation behind this transformation: Jo allowed God to change her which resulted in her husband’s spiritual growth.

Ray explains, “Before, if I was condescending to her or demeaning or critical, then she would respond very quickly and very angrily back: ‘Don’t talk to me that way! Don’t use that tone of voice when you’re talking to me!” Her face would get tight and tense, and I thought, ‘ Boy she’s really hurting. I’ve touched a deep nerve in there somewhere’ but I didn’t understand why she was making such a big deal out of it.’

In the midst of subsequent blowups, Jo concentrated on being firm but gentle. “I need for you to reword that so I don’t feel so defensive.” … “I care about you very much, and I need you to know that what you said was hurtful”. She dropped the sharp “Don’t talk to me that way!”

According to Ray, Jo’s previous method of communicating “just made me feel guilty. I already knew I had *****ed up, and here she was piling it on… And when you already feel low about yourself… you’re more likely yo strike back and escalate the intensity.”

Ray says that what made him the angriest was being misunderstood. He believes that Jo sometimes just looked at his behavior without giving him the benefit of the doubt. That perplexed and frustrated him which would escalate into anger. In fact, Ray believes, on many occasions he had good intentions, but when Jo assumed the worst, he became frustrated , which in turn made him angry- and then he chose to lash out.

Sacred Influence- "Taming Husband’s Anger"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming… Husband’s Anger

Spiritual Preparation
There’s another principle we can learn from Jo’s experience: in order to confront anger in your man, you’re going to need to put your own spiritual house in order; otherwise you’ll likely lack the strength, courage, and perspective to help your husband…

When you live with an angry man, you not only crave but literally need God’s affirmation. Men can be very cruel with their cutting comments if you aren’t receiving affirmation and affection from your heavenly Father, you’re going to feel emotionally empty and perhaps even worthless- and that will feed into your husband’s response and tempt you to become even more of a doormat…

So if you’re living with an angry man, please accept my encouragement to spend all that much more time in worship, prayer, and Christian community so that you can soak up the love, affirmation, and affection you need for a healthy spiritual life. From such a strong spiritual core, you can face the hurt and frustration in your marriage as Jo did.

Armed with her standing before God, Jo made it clear to Ray that while she wanted to understand his frustration, she would not put up with verbal harassment….

Ray says, “I wanted to recognize her needs. When Jo stood up to me, it told me she valued herself. SO I valued her. It made me understand that Jo is a person with a lot of Character; she cares about herself, and I think every man wants that . I don’t think men want a woman they can just run over…”

This goes back to the point made in the very first chapter; respect is vital in a marriage, and not just for a woman toward her man, but also for a man toward his wife. If your husband doesn’t respect you, you’re going to have a very difficult time influencing him in any significant way. And if you don’t respect yourself, you’ll make it that much more difficult for you husband to respect you…

Angry men sometimes tell me something they rarely tell their wives: they feel ashamed of how they’ve acted; they hate what they’ve become. In most cases when you help a husband tame his temper, you’re helping him to become th kind of man he wants to be.

Sacred Influence- "Helping Him Love You"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming… Husband’s Anger

Helping Him Love You

In her role as an inspirational speaker, Jo has met many women whose husbands have cowed them into an “unhealthy doormat mode”. Sadly, sometimes this posture gets couched in religious language and represents a complete misreading of biblical submission. Jo observes, “Women don’t tell men what they need because we’ve been taught its selfish to even think of ourselves. In fact, some of us aren’t in touch with our own feelings enough to even know what we need…”

This “martyr” method of marriage, though common among well meaning Christian women, shortchanges both husband and wife. Your husband will prosper spiritually and personally by excelling in loving you. God designed marriage, in part, to help both husband and wife grow in character. If you do all the sacrificing, if your husband runs over you, he’s not growing; he’s shrinking, spiritually speaking. He’s becoming lower in character. You may well become a saint after living with such a man for twenty years, but he is going to become increasingly miserable, because ultimately, any man who treats others poorly begins to despise himself. This might sound backward, but you need to love your husband by teaching him how to love you, because its spiritually healthy for him to grow in loving you.

At one time, the thought of telling her husband what she needed would have sounded selfish to Jo, and she would have dismissed the thought. She has since learned that respect matters and that a husband won’t truly love a woman for whom he has no respect. Jo realized that if she didn’t respect herself, her husband would adopt that same attitude of disrespect….

An angry husband often acts as if only his wife needs to change. This is a false view based on a lack of respect.

Sacred Influence- "Taming… Husband’s Anger: Spiritual Lessons"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming… Husband’s Anger

Spiritual Lessons

In addition to changing her verbal presentation with Ray, Jo went through a threefold spiritual process to see who she was in Christ. The biblical way in which God honors women- and the affirming way in which Jesus treated women- contrasted starkly with the subservient description she often heard applied to women in many churches. “When I looked into Scripture and realized who I was in Christ, I started valuing that. God thinks of me as a person of value and I needed to agree with him!” She had learned the truth highlighted earlier: God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Next, Jo applied this same “person of value” approach to Ray: “Not only does God value me as a woman and wife; he values Ray as a man and husband. When Ray spoke to me out of anger, I didn’t value him as God does. I resented him. I feared him. But I didn’t value him. It wasn’t until I stood up to Ray that I could begin to value him….

When a woman truly values a man she stands up to him and says, “You’re better than that. Don’t do this to yourself or us” A faithful sister in Christ challenges her man to grow in grace, mercy, and humility…

It was not God’s best for Ray to let his temper direct his relationships. “Many Christian spouses do not hold each other accountable.” Jo warns…

By holding each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only address issues that have the potential to wreck our families; we also help each other learn how to better relate to people in general. Genuine believers will welcome this process of sanctification.

Sacred Influence- from "Taming the Temper Part 2"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

from Chapter 11- Taming the Temper Part 2: Learning to Navigate through Your Husband’s Anger

If you live with an angry man, this is your “spiritual marathon”. You’re going to be challenged in ways that may terrify you. Women who marry abusive men often had abusive fathers, and they’ve developed a lifelong portrait of themselves as victims. It will go against every learned response in your hurting soul to finally stand up and say you’re not going to take it anymore- but doing so is the pathway to healing, hope, and a healthier marriage.

You may feel terrified, but think with me about a future in which you are supported instead of threatened, in which you feel adored instead of attacked and appreciated instead of insulted. Isn’t it worth the risk for you and your children, to work toward such a marriage?…

Your God is with you, and his people will surround you. Spend some time asking God to bring some helpers into your life before you act; this may be the wisest step you can take. And then more forward from there. If you keep stepping out in faith, you’ll discover just how strong you can become in Christ- and that’s a valuable life lesson. If you persevere in this, you won’t even recognize yourself several years down the road. That timid, fearful, victimized personality will vanish in favor or a strong, wise, bold, and courageous woman of faith.

Leveraging Anger into Spiritual Growth

from Make Anger Your Ally :

THINK (at the first sign of anger, and derail the usual “reaction”)
WHY am I angry? (hurt, frustration, fear)
WHAT do I want from this encounter?
HOW can I use my anger to get as much of what I want from it as possible?

from Unbreakable Bonds

quote:

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Anger too is not wrong in itself but an indicator that some part of us feels unprotected. In other words, when we begin to feel angry, we can listen to that anger and know that we are communicating to ourselves that we somehow feel vulnerable, violated, attacked, threatened, or neglected in some capacity. It is our psyche’s natural way to wake us up, to motivate us to learn how to attend to ourselves, offer lasting protection, offer nurturing, and build up inner strength by putting outer boundaries in place…

Controlling anger doesn’t do a lot to change the underlying situation or problem. It just pushes the anger down to come out in another form. We can learn, instead, how to listen to our anger and learn where our pain is, where we feel unprotected. Then we can choose to offer ourselves protection. Instead of working really hard to control our anger, it is important for us to apply that same effort and energy toward leaning how to listen to our anger and direct our responses. We distract ourselves from further self-knowledge when we explode…

When you become angry, practice communicating to yourself what you feel. Explore where you may feel unloved or unprotected. Recognize your initial response choice… Take the time to probe what prompts your response…. use the energy you have expended on being angry…to heal!

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