Salt Mines

Entries from November 2007

“To offer to domineer over the conscience is to assault the citadel of heaven.”

November 13, 2007 · Leave a Comment

quoted from The Vashti-Esther Story


God placed before Esther the duty of ruling Ahasuerus for the good of his realm and for the saving of the Jews from annihilation. Her conscience bade her to obey God alone, which she did it at the risk of her life. Esther found her first step in obedience to God was a transgression of two laws of the kingdom in which her husband ruled. The most recent law required the resigning of her conscience to his will, which Esther did not do. The other law bore a death penalty for disobedience unless the king offered his golden scepter for a pledge of good faith. She passed successfully through both ordeals.

The next step was to interfere between the king and his dearest friend, Haman. The tie was broken and Haman was hanged shortly after by the king’s order. The king would have stopped here with the death of Haman, but Esther did not allow it. The king must undo a law of the Medes and Persians, “which is unchangeable” (8: 8), and the law to slaughter the Jews was of that order (3:10,12).

The sixth chapter of Daniel tells us how King Darius became entrapped in his own law of the Medes and Persians, “which altereth not,” and was obliged to allow Daniel to be cast into the den lion’s den. He labored all day to save Daniel, spent a sleepless night while Daniel was in the den, and “very early” in the morning with weeping and lamentation. By a miracle of God, King Darius found Daniel unharmed after a night with the lions. Esther had to break through this kind of law to deliver her people from annihilation. Her tears, pleading and pressure (Esther 8:3-6) on the king found a way. Another law was proclaimed as extensively as the law of destruction. The Jews were to be armed in order to defend themselves. Government officials in all places were instructed to assist the Jews to be ready for the attack on the appointed day for their slaughter, and they gave much help. (Esther 9:3)

Ahasuerus had the reputation with historians of being self-indulgent; indolent and careless. Certainly he showed these qualities in allowing Haman to proclaim such a law in the king’s name. Esther rendered great service to her king besides saving her people in getting this ill-considered law reversed.

His realm was formed out of all kinds of petty nations tribes and clans—many of them fierce and lawless, living by depredations upon others. Alexander the Great, who conquered Medo-Persia in B.C. 333, neglected the country and allowed it to fall to pieces because he did not prize it.

To be sure, the despots of those early times did not exercise any scruples when occasionally killing off a tribe of a few hundred. Doubtless, Ahasuerus got this troublesome idea from Haman.

Because the Jews existed in vast numbers throughout the realm, the king was amazed and thrown into a passion. He saw that his whole country would be thrown into confusion. With the legalization of killing of prey, quickly no life would be safe, Jew or Gentile after the slaughtering got under way. But he seems to have thought all was stopped when the mischief-maker Haman was hanged.

Esther’s second risk to go unto the king unbidden secured an antidote law against Haman’s, and yet 800 men in Shushan alone, knowing well the proclamation that the Jews were armed; fell upon the Jews presented swords and spears, hoping to overthrow them for the sake of booty. Because they were after Jewish prey, 75,000 men throughout the provinces perished for their folly in attacking the Jews. Thus, the country was ridded of ten thousands of brigands, who fell through their own rashness.

The law of defense provided for the Jews to take the prey of those they killed, but it is recorded three times that the Jews “laid not their hands to the prey.” They merely defended themselves.

It does not require a very lively imagination to understand that a situation not unlike civil war had been brought about by Haman’s foolhardy meddling with government, when nearly 76,000 were left dead on the battlefield, not to number the wounded; and the conflict extended all over the realm. This was not an affair confine to the Jews. It was non-Jews who suffered death—but the lawless and not the better elements of the population.

All had passed through the real peril of violence from the bandit mob, which was brought into activity by Haman’s law and refused to be assuaged by the antidote law. Therefore, all rejoiced when order was restored and not the Jews alone but certainly the most. Their nation has been rescued, and the Feast of Purim was established as a memorial for all time.

But what about that decree that was the result of Vashti’s disobedience, instructing all wives to give honor to their lords, both great and small, lest Vashti’s conduct should, by example, encourage women to despise their lords (“husbands”), and there would arise “too much contempt and wrath?” (1:18)

It was forgotten when it became known throughout the provinces that their king had such a wonderful, as well as most beautiful, queen. The king was so devoted to her. Esther had great influence over him for the good of their country. She influenced him to find a way to combat a vicious law that had been proclaimed to kill and plunder all the Jews. This mischievous law would have run into indiscriminate plundering.

The women forgot to copy Vashti, alas, even in her modesty and also in her disobedience. They didn’t heed her case as a warning. However, we believe they copied everything they could learn about Esther, her style of dress and all that. Sometimes they said to their husbands, “It’s a wise plan to sometimes listen to and act upon a wife’s opinions as the king does.” Probably, husbands said, “I do wish women wasted less time in gossip and on their hair and fingernails, and took an interest in the welfare of the nation, like the queen.”

Many people of the land became Jews, “for the fear of the Jews fell upon them.” (8:17). We suppose they said, “Our queen looks well to the interests of her people, and she has great influence over the king. One might almost think he is a Jew, too. It won’t do to mistreat a Jew. I think I will join the Jews and keep myself in their favor—that is the safe side.”

The whole atmosphere of women’s life in Persia must have altered considerably after Jehovah inaugurated His attack through Esther upon that law which placed Jehovah in a position secondary to her husband. The first part of the Ten Commandments should be first in every wife’s life, “Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.” Vashti and Esther both put conscience, God, first.

When God sent Moses to Pharoah, He armed him with the demand: “Let My people go, that they may serve Me.” The teaching is “they cannot serve me when service is regulated by any other master than Myself.” No more can a wife render service to a husband lawfully except as god, not the husband, regulates the service. Otherwise, she serves man and not God and is an idolater to that extent.

Let us repeat: The second and only other appearance of God as the “I AM” after His revelation of that name to Moses when He came as an Emancipator (Exodus 3:14), is here in Esther 7:5 in the sentence, “Who is he, and where is he”—and it is Jehovah who interrupts, as it were, to give answer, “It is the Emancipator, the I Am: I am here.”

The story of Vashti and Esther does not end with the Jews’ deliverance from death, though that was soon experienced. It did not begin with, nor does it end, with Esther. It began with Vashti, and it ends with a broader purpose than Esther’s nation, which it includes—a purpose that includes Gentiles like Vashti.

“Jehovah” was first revealed to Moses (Exodus 6:3), Covenant-Keeper, the One who made the covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He included in the Great Covenant Eve whose Seed should bruise the Serpent’s head. (Genesis 3:15). Although that covenant was spoken to the Serpent, Jehovah has “come down” this time to interrupt the king’s question to say, “I am here to deliver all the seed of the ‘mother of all living,’ out from the bondage and slavery of Satan into ‘the glorious liberty of the children of God.’”

Categories: Esther · conscience

Hello world!

November 12, 2007 · 1 Comment

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

Categories: Uncategorized

"Searching for God Knows What" on Adam and Eve

November 12, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Here are some clips of an insightful and thought provoking look at Adam and Eve from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller:


quote:

But here is Adam, the only perfect guy in the world, and he is going around wanting to be with somebody else, needing another person to fulfill a certain emptiness in his life. And as I said, when God saw this, He did not create Eve right away. He did not give Adam what he needed immediately. He waited. He told Adam to name the animals….

I looked up how many animals there are in the world… and Adam, apparently, had to name all of them. And the entire time he was lonely.

I never thought of Adam the same again… this was a man who, despite feeling a certain need for a companion, performed what must have been nearly one hundred years of work, naming and perhaps even categorizing the animals… Moses said that Eve didn’t give birth to their third child till Adam was well into his hundreds, which means they would have had Cain and Abel some thirty or so years before, which also means either it took Adam more than a hundred years to name the animals, or he and Eve didn’t have sex for a good, long, boring century. And so in my mind, I began to see Adam as a lonely naturalist…

The thing is, when Adam finished naming the animals, after all his work and effort, God put him to sleep, took a rib out of his side, and fashioned a woman. I had read that part a thousand times, too, but I don’t think I quite realized how beautiful that moment was… So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people, and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with chimps for a couple hundred years. Its quite beautiful, really. God directed Adam’s steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all around and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued. I read recently where one out of every four women, by the time they reach thirty , are sexually harassed, molested, or raped. And then I thought how very beautiful it was that God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after a hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world…

I’ll bet Adam felt loved by God, like he was somebody God was always trying to bless and surprise with amazing experiences, and I’ll bet they talked together about how beautiful Eve was and how wonderful it was that the two of them could know her, and I would imagine that Eve felt safe, loved, not used or gawked at, but appreciated and admired….

I started asking myself why Moses would say five times that people were naked before the Fall, but after the Fall they went around with clothes on… The very first thing that happened after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was that they noticed they were naked. And man, I couldn’t stop thinking about how whatever happened at the Fall made them aware they were naked…

Here is what I think Moses was saying: Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God’s love is so pure, that Adam and Eve felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn’t even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly. All of their glory, the glory that came from God, was gone…

I used to think that when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person…
And then it hit me how awful it must have been for Adam and Eve… to have been tricked by Satan into breaking their relationship with God.

You and I have it easier. We were born this way. But I remember loving a girl back in Colorado and having her explain to me she didn’t feel the same and how for a year I lived in the attic of an old house in Portland, feeling an ache and emptiness in my heart I thought would never mend…
And this feeling, this feeling must have been so much more painful for Adam and Eve, this feeling of having an infinite amount of love pouring through their lives and then its’s suddenly gone… I wondered at how terrible it must have felt, at the fear of no longer feeling God, at the ache of emptiness and the sudden and horrifying awareness of self. God have mercy.



Categories: brokenness · intimacy

Beth Moore quotes

November 9, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Quotes from Beth Moore Breaking Free

For the believer, the first step of freedom from any stronghold is agreeing with God concerning the personal sin involved. Please understand, the object of our imaginations itself is not always sin. The sin may lie solely in the exaltation of it in our own minds. For example, nothing could be more natural or reflective of the heart of God than a mother’s love for her child. However, if she has passed the bounds of healthy affection to overprotection, obsession, adoration, and idolatry, she has constructed a stronghold. Pg 191

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God loves perfectly. His love is both vocal and demonstrative. He balances blessing and discipline. God’s love is unfailing, so any time we perceive He does not love us, our perceptions are wrong. Anything we perceive about God that does not match up with 1) the truth of Scripture and 2) the portrayal of His character in Scripture- is a lie.When we realize we’ve been believing a lie, our bonds lose their grip. At those times we might pray something like: “I may not feel loved or lovable, but Your Word says You love me so much You gave up Your beloved Son for me. I don’t know why I continue to feel unloved, but at this moment I choose to believe the truth of Your Word. I rebuke the enemy’s attempt to make me doubt Your love. Satan knows the truth will set me free and I have believed his lies over Your Word. I also pray for forgiveness for the sin of unbelief. Help me overcome my unbelief.”

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I …remember the harrowing moment God opened my eyes to see what a lie I had believed. I cried for days.I originally thought this lie was a good thing. My heart, handicapped in childhood, had deluded me. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I eventually bowed down and worshiped it. My only consolation in my idolatry is that I finally allowed Him to peel away my fingers and to my knowledge, have only grasped His hand since.Had I not discovered what a lie was in my right hand, I would never have run to Him to fill up the void it left. I have discovered the glorious satisfaction of only the Lord Jesus Christ can bring. I can truly say to you at this moment that I love Him more than anything or anyone in this world. Jesus is the uncontested love of my life. Yes, I plunged to the depths to discover this level of satisfaction. Sadly, I often learn things the hard way. I pray to settle for nothing less the rest of my days. I am very aware that Satan will constantly cast idols before me. I hope never to forget that the same one I bowed down and worshiped before I could fall to again. Beloved, whatever we are gripping to bring us the satisfaction is a lie- unless it is Christ. He is the Truth that sets us free. Pg 63

Categories: Beth Moore Quote · idolatry · repentance

from "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb

November 9, 2007 · Leave a Comment

from Inside Out by Larry Crabb

“The illusion that life in a fallen world is really not too bad must be shattered. When even the best parts of life are exposed as pathetic counterfeits of how things should be, the reality drives us to a level of distress that threatens to utterly undo us. But it’s when we’re on the brink of personal collapse that we’re best able to shift the direction of our soul from self-protection to trusting love. The more deeply we enter into the reality that life without God is sheer desolation, the more fully we an turn toward Him…


The richest love grows in the soil of an unbearable disappointment with life. When we realize life can’t give us what we want, we can better give up our foolish demand that it do so and get on with the noble task of loving as we should. We will no longer need to demand protection from further disappointment. The deepest change will occur in the life of a bold realist who clings to God with a passion only his realistic appraisal of life can generate.” pg 213-14

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“Until we recognize with tears how determined we are to move away from pain and how that determination reflects our blasphemous decision to preserve our own life, we will not be able to identify the subtle ways in which our relational style violates love for others by keeping us safe… We repent by radically shifting our motivation and direction from self-preservation to trust on the basis of the belief that Christ has given and is preserving out life. The fruit of repentance is a changed style of relating that replaces self-protective maneuvering with loving involvement.” 196  

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“The more clearly we recognize how deep our commitment to self-protection operates in our relational style and the more courageously we face the ugliness of protecting ourselves rather than loving others, the more we’ll shift our direction.” 200

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“In order to meaningfully repent of the ways in which we violate love, we must recognize them. We won’t recognize self-protective patterns of relating as sinful violations of love until we face the disappointment in our soul we’re determined never to experience again.” 204

Categories: Crabb · love · repentance · self-protection

Are You a Doormat?

November 9, 2007 · Leave a Comment

from Unbreakable Bonds by Meier:


The characteristics below reveal what you are choosing to give away in your choice to stay a doormat:

Doing things for others that they ought to be doing for themselves. I give away my praise. I live for the praise of others.

Others make my choices. I give away my priorities. Others direct my life. Others determine my self worth and define my identity. I give away my personhood. Others determine my value.

Rejection is what I fear most. I give away my purpose. I reduce my purpose to fear.

Mad at myself for not measuring up. I give away my pardon. I am perpetually self-critical.

Afraid of conflict. I give away my power. I teach myself that I do not deserve to be powerful.

True love is missing from my heart. I give away my plenty. I relinquish the abundance I could experience from loving myself unconditionally.

Categories: boundaries · doormat · recovery

"From Bondage to Bonding"

November 9, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Quotes from Nancy Groom From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love

“Gentleness is possible even when rebuking those who harm us, because we know our purpose is not to destroy but to redeem. And patience becomes our habit because we know God isn’t finished with any of us yet, and because His presence enables us to endure out fiery trials with perseverance, if not always tranquility… Because Christ dwells within us, we can choose to act like Him… The first ingredient of forgiveness is loving confrontation… But it’s more loving-and more respectful-to hold others accountable. When codependents set appropriate boundaries for themselves by refusing to accept mistreatment, they are doing what is good not just for themselves but for their abusers as well… But setting limits and reestablishing boundaries meet the criteria for biblical love only if the focus is on mutual welfare, not revenge or personal safety. Forgiveness and restoration are impossible if sin is not addressed.” 158-9

 pg 20 “a codependent person is addicted… to a destructive pattern of relating to other people, a pattern usually learned from childhood in an abusive or non-nurturing home”

pg 34 “people damaged by childhood experiences who cope with their world by trying to please and who end up being controlled instead”

pg 36 “People pleasers lack the strength of character necessary to confront what may be a wrong attitude or action…”

pg 120 “Self-forfeiture… is counterproductive to the mutuality of relationship… A marionette has nothing to offer but compliance, and compliance isn’t intimacy. When we act like pawns in someone else’s chess game, we destroy God’s image in us disenfranchising ourselves from making out own choices. Our chosen self-forfeiture is a self protective strategy we must both repent and hold ourselves accountable to change”

pg 198 “The change process is almost never even; usually one person is ready to drop the wrong dependency long before the other. In such cases, offering one’s whole heart may need to be postponed until the other is ready to receive it. Jesus told his disciples shortly before His death, “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear”… Someone we love deeply may be unable to bear the depth of our pain or to share the burden of our self discoveries. We may need to suffer the loneliness of a waiting love, walking the tightrope of inviting the other in without revictimizing ourselves. [italics mine] Finally, we may need to relinquish the dream of deep intimacy with that person and turn to God with our overflowing hearts.”

“…abused women… convert their rage and self contempt into a passionate commitment to never be hurt again.” Pg. 54 “Codependents typically refuse to let themselves need the freely chosen tender involvement of others. Neediness terrifies them because it wasn’t safe to be needy in childhood… Neediness for some is also shameful. A woman, shamed as a child for being fearful or upset, represses instinctively her anxiety or sadness as an adult.” 55

“Often the anger experienced in their contemporary relationships is really a displaced anger from an earlier event or situation… Soul wounds do not heal if they are ignored. They continue to govern our emotions, our self-images, and our ways of interacting in relationships.” 90

“Depending utterly on God for our ultimate well-being is the doorway to intimacy, to a renewed freedom to love, to hurt, to laugh, to make mistakes, to ask forgiveness, to feel our feelings, to start each day new.” 147

“I must enter the abject humiliation of needing, of asking for what my soul longs for, instead of protecting myself from the pain of its loss… Most of all, surrendering to God requires that I fully own my personal responsibility ro love others well.” 148

Quotes from Nancy Groom From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love
 

“Codependents with blurred boundaries often allow someone to hurt or abuse them because they somehow think that person has a right to invade their privacy, plans, or personal well-being with impunity…. In fact some of the messages she heard in church about submission reinforced her belief that she didn’t have any rights to claim for herself in relationship to [her husband]” pg 28

“Their behaviors might mimic the way Jesus lived, but in their inner spirits they are far from being the free, loving, glad servants Jesus modeled to His disciples. In fact, they see themselves as not only powerless but essentially worthless.” pg. 30

“The expectation of emotional deprivation goes hand in hand with low self-esteem… a part of her felt she didn’t really deserve a happy home or kind treatment from her husband and children. After all, she hadn’t always been the perfectly loving wife and mother she had wanted and always tried to be.” 39 “Self-contempt can wear many faces, sometimes passing for humility or selflessness. Her husband Jake batters her emotionally with critical, demeaning words. Because Angie blames and despises herself for the childhood incest, she never defends herself. She thinks she deserves Jake’s accusations and keeps trying harder to be the loving, chaste wife she inwardly despairs of ever being.” 39“Jesus was confidently aware of his own value. Self-contempt was the furthest thing from His mind… and in his awareness He yielded his rights for His chosen. The two go together: self-valuing and genuine love.” Pg. 41

“He [Jesus] never masked his feelings but expressed them openly and without shame. He wept… verbalized His frustration… expressed His anger… agonized… gave up His live with a loud scream…” 71

“God’s ‘solution’ is not to somehow get us to work harder to achieve what He commands us to do- ie love Him and others. Rather, He calls us to admit that we have not done and cannot do what He commands- our fallen nature makes it impossible. In the face of that impossibility to be perfect, we are left with the ultimate choice: despair or grace.” 131

“If we choose to move toward repentance we discover that our scrupulously polished exteriors camouflage deep self centeredness… God invites us to open our whitewashed tombs and expose the decadence of our lives to the cleansing power of His grace… We have shunned God, rejecting His grace in order to maintain our self-sufficiency. We have failed to love others with the kind of passionate other-centeredness God requires. And we have revictimized ourselves refusing to believe we’re loved with an everlasting love that prompts genuine self-love and grateful obedience.” 122

“An important part of my own recovery process is experiencing a redeemed Parent-child relationship with God, seeing myself as His beloved daughter and practicing a childlike relationship with Him in my spiritual walk. Young children have nothing to offer but themselves- their need, their trust, and their love. In His grace God reduces me toe the raw nakedness of needing and receiving- the stuff of children, even infants.” 142

“One of the most profound effects of being deeply connected to God is a renewed sense of our own preciousness. When I know and can believe God cherishes me as a beloved child, I can know and believe my worth as a person… We are children of the Great King and special to our Father. Princes and princesses don’t let themselves be abused; they like themselves and expect to be respected.” 144

Categories: Nancy Groom · boundaries · codependency · love · recovery

Romance

November 5, 2007 · Leave a Comment

from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

As women we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity. We long for romance. We are wired for it; it’s what makes our hearts come alive. You know that. Somewhere, down deep inside, you know this. But what you might never have known is thisThis doesn’t need to wait for a man.

God longs to bring this into your life himself. He wants you to move beyond childlike “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” He wants to heal us through his love to become mature women who actually know him. He wants us to experience verses like, “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her” (Hos 2:14). And “You have stolen my heart, my sister my bride (Song 4:9). Our hearts are desperate for this. What would it be like to experince for yourself that the truest thing about his heart toward yours is not disappointment or disapproval but deep, fiery, passionate love? This is, after all, what a woman was made for….

For the root of all holiness is Romance.


Categories: Captivating · Eldredge · romance
Tagged: , ,

"Taking it to Eve" by John Eldredge

November 5, 2007 · Leave a Comment

Here is part of a chapter from Wild At Heart by John Eldredge.

Quote:
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Taking It To Eve

Remember the story of my first kiss, that little darling I fell in love with in the seventh grade and how she made my bicycle fly? I fell in love with Debbie the very same year my father checked out of my story, the year I took my deepest wound. The timing was no coincidence. In a young boy’s development, there comes a crucial time when the father must intervene. It arrives early in adolescence, somewhere between the ages of eleven and fifteen, depending on the boy. If that intervention does not happen, the boy is set up for disaster; the next window that opens in his soul is sexuality. Debbie made me feel like a million bucks. I couldn’t have put words to it at the time; I had no idea what was really going on. But in my heart I felt I had found the answer to my question. A pretty girl thinks I am the greatest. What more can a guy ask for? If I’ve found Juliet, then I must be Romeo.

When she broke up with me, it began what has been a long and sad story of searching for “the woman that will make me feel like a man.” I went from girlfriend to girlfriend trying to get an answer. To be the hero to the beauty – that has been my longing, my image of what it means to really, finally be a man. Bly calls it the search fot the Golden-haired Woman.

He sees a woman across the room, knows immediately that it is “She.” He drops the relationship he has, pursues her, feels wild excitement, passion, beating heart, obsession. After a few months, everything collapses; she becomes an ordinary woman. He is confused and puzzled. Then he sees once more a radiant face across the room, and the old certainty comes again. (Iron John)

Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there’s the fact that a man is visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more that they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn’t even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced. You must understand – this is deeper than legs and breasts and good sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the golden-haired woman. They have fought duals over her beauty; they have fought wars. You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recover with our own lost masculinity.

You’ll recall the little boy Phillip, from the movie A Perfect World? Remember what his fear was? That his penis was puny. That’s how many men articulate a sense of emasculation. Later in life a man’s worst fear is impotence. If he can’t get an erection, then he hasn’t got what it takes. But the opposite is also at work. If a man can feel an erection, well then, he feels powerful. He feels strong. I’m telling you, for many men The Question feels hardwired to his penis. If he can feel like the hero sexually, well, then mister, he’s the hero. Pornography is so seductive because what is a wounded, famished man to think when there a literally hundreds of beauties willing to give themselves to him? Of course, it’s not just to him, but when’s he’s alone with the photos, it feels like it’s just him.)

It’s unbelievable – how many movies center around this lie? Get the beauty, win her, bed her, and you are the man. You’re James Bond. You’re a stud. Look carefully at the lyrics to Bruce Springsteen’s song, Secret Garden (from his Greatest Hits recording, 1995):
She’ll let you in her house
If you come knockin’ late at night
She’ll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She’ll let you deep inside
But there’s a secret garden she hides.
She’ll lead you down a path
There’ll be tenderness in the air
She’ll let you come just far enough
So you know she’s really there
She’ll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She’s got a secret garden
Where everything you wantWhere everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away.

It’s a deep lie wedded to a deep truth. Eve is a garden of delight. (Song 4:16) But she’s not everything you want, everything you need – not even close. Ofcourse it will stay a million miles away. You can’t get there from here because it’s not there. It’s not there. The answer to your question can never, ever be found there. Don’t get me wrong. A woman is a captivating thing. More captivating that anything else in all creation. “The naked woman’s body is a portion of eternity too great for the eye of man.” Femininity can arouse masculinity. Boy oh boy can it. My wife flashes me a little breast, a little thigh, and I’m ready for action. All systems alert. She tells me in a soft voice that I’m a man and I’ll leap tall buildings for her. But femininity can never bestow masculinity. It’s like asking a pearl to give you a buffalo. It’s like asking for a field of wildflowers to give you a ‘57 chevy. They are different substances entirely.

Dave, whose father blew a hole in his chest when he called him “mamma’s boy”, took his question to the woman. Recently he confessed to me that younger women are his obsession. You can see why – they’re less of a threat. A younger woman isn’t half the challenge. He can feel more like a man there. Dave’s embarrassed by his obsession, but it deosn’t stop him. A younger woman feels like the answer to his question and he’s got to get an answer. But he knows his search is impossible. He admitted to me just the other day, “Even if I marry a beautiful woman, I will always know there is an even more beautiful woman out there somewhere. So I’ll wonder – could I have won her?”

It’s a lie. As Bly says. it’s a search without an end. “We are looking at the source of a lot of desperation in certain men here, and a lot of suffering in certain women.” How often I have seen this. A friend’s brother hit rock bottom a few years back when his girlfriend broke up with him. He was a really successful guy, a high star athelete who became a promising young attorney. But he was carrying a wound from an alcoholic, workaholic father who never gave him what every boy craves. Like so many of us, he took his heart with it’s question to the woman. When she dumped him, my friend said, “it blew him out of the water. He went into a major nosedive, started drinking heavily, smoking. He even left the country. His life was shattered.”

This is why so many men secretly fear their wives. She sees him as noone else does, sleeps with him, know’s what he is made of. If he has given her the power to validate him as a man, then he has also given her the power to invalidate him too. That’s the deadly catch. A pastor told me that for years he’s been trying to please his wife and she keeps giving him an “F”. “What is she is not the report card on you?” I suggested. “She sure feels like it…and I am failing.”

Another man, Richard, became verbally abusive toward his wife in the early years of their marriage. His vision for his life was that he was meant to be Romeo and therefore, she must be Juliet. When she turned out not to be the Golden-haired Woman, he was furious. Because that meant, you see, that he was not the heroic man. I remember seeing a picture of Julia Roberts without costume and makeup; Oh, I realised, she’s just an ordinary woman.

“He was coming to me for his validation,” a young woman told me about the man she was dating. Or, had been dating. She was drawn to him at first, and certainly drawn to the way he was taken with her. “That’s why I broke up with him.” I was amazed at her perceptiveness and her courage. It’s very rare to find, especially in younger women. How wonderful it feels at first to be his obsession. To be thought of as a goddess is pretty heady stuff. But eventually, it all turns from romance to immense pressure on her part. “He kept saying, ‘I don’t know if I have what it takes and you’re telling me I don’t.’ He’ll thanks me for it one day.”
What’s fascinating to note is that homosexuals are actually more clear on this point. They know what is missing in their hearts is masculine love. The problem is that they’ve sexualised it. Joseph Nicolosi says that homosexuality is an attempt to repair the wound by filling it with masculinity, either the masculine love that was missin or the masculine strength many men feel they do not possess. It, too, is a vain search and that is why so many of them suffer depression and a host of other addictions. What they need can’t be found there.

Why have I said all this about our search for validation and the answer to our question? Because we cannot hear the real answer until we see we’ve got a false one. So long as we chase the illusion, how can we face reality? The hunger is there; it lives in our souls like a famished craving, no matter what we’ve tried to fill it with. If you take your question to Eve, it will break your heart. I know this now, after many, many hard years. You can’t get your answer there. In fact, you can’t get your answer from any of the things men chase after to find their sense of self. There is only one source for the answer to your question. And so no matter where you’ve taken your question, you’ve got to take it back. You have to walk away. This is the beginning of your journey.
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Categories: recovery · roles · sexuality

Romance and Intimacy, Waiting for Reciprocity

November 5, 2007 · Leave a Comment

from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge


quote:

As women we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity. We long for romance. We are wired for it; it’s what makes our hearts come alive. You know that. Somewhere, down deep inside, you know this. But what you might never have known is this

This doesn’t need to wait for a man.

God longs to bring this into your life himself. He wants you to move beyond childlike “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” He wants to heal us through his love to become mature women who actually know him. He wants us to experience verses like, “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her” (Hos 2:14). And “You have stolen my heart, my sister my bride (Song 4:9). Our hearts are desperate for this. What would it be like to experience for yourself that the truest thing about his heart toward yours is not disappointment or disapproval but deep, fiery, passionate love? This is, after all, what a woman was made for….

For the root of all holiness is Romance.


From Unbreakable Bonds by Meier (pg 74)

quote:


Waiting for reciprocity means spending countless hours, days, months, and years waiting for a distant and disconnected other to change and meet our unmet needs from childhood. We could be using all this time to learn how to and begin to meet our own needs and provide for ourselves- connecting with ourselves and friends who do love and accept us for the way we are. But instead, we waste our lives blaming and waiting for someone who is incapable of, or unwilling to, relate intimately. It is important that we teach ourselves to let them go. God said in Psalm 68 that he loves those of us who are lonely and desires to place us in new, healthier “families”

If you are already married to someone who is disconnected, you can let go of waiting for him or her to come and fill your needs. You do not have to divorce your partner to develop an intimate knowledge of yourself. Nor do you need your spouse’s permission to form an intimate relationship with God and friends. Of course, when a marriage is strained, it often results in a lack of physical intimacy. Though we were created to enjoy this kind of intimacy in our marriages, we will not die without it. ..

We can wait in bitterness and loneliness or let go of waiting and learn how to direct our own path to true meaning, purpose, and happiness…



Categories: Meier · Unbreakable Bonds · bitterness · intimacy · love